The SELF challenge informed me this morning that I should only be consuming 1,600 calories a day. Diet is one of the five things I need to do every day...each one rewarded with a star.
This just won't work. First of all, I am not a 3rd grader. Second, I do not like being hungry. Third, I like to eat baked goods with every meal. Even the guy who owns the deli on my block knows me as "rainbow brownie girl" because I poke my head in at least twice a week to see if he has any in the cookie case.
Ok, so dieting is out of the question, but I do like to punish myself with exercise (star for me!). For my New Year's resolution this year I decided that I would take Pilates once a week. Please be aware, while Pilates is a great workout, it doesn't really flatten your stomach unless you also diet. This is a problem. The stomach muscles build up under your fat rolls and actually make you look bigger. Ick. Despite this, I continue to go every week at 7:15AM because (a) I always leave in a good mood (even after I have been on the verge of tears because of the pain inflicted) and (b) it is the only time all week that I stretch (which probably has something to do with the tears). One really can't help enjoying something when the instructor yells out "spread your legs like a girl on prom night!", exuberantly as he pulls the legs of the girl next to you closer to her chest...or "your heads should be on the floor, not looking between your legs...you know what's down there".
Ok, so the class starts at 7:15 AM, usually makes my eyes fill with tears, results in my stomach sticking out farther and STILL has a positive side. This is big. I feel like I should be able to find the good in a lot more things. Alright new life outlook! Yay positive thinking! Another star for me! Oh, and one for stretching. Yay again! Ok...one star a week for stretching. And none for sleeping because you can't exactly sleep 8 hours a day and get to the gym for a 7:15AM Pilates class.
This means I am only up to two legitimate stars. Now I feel like a failure (goodbye positivity star). How did this happen? I just wanted to read about Taylor Swift's bizarre rants against Joe Jonas, not find out I am living my life as a 1 out of 5. Blast you SELF Challenge. I don't need this criticism. If I wanted a magazine to make me feel bad about myself I would read the New Yorker. You can take your challenge and shove it. Months of doing things you don't want to do and not enjoying anything you like is called being a first year at a law firm...and I'm done with that.
I think I'll go to the deli.